I need an overhaul!

One of the truly “great” things about depression I’ve found is, you really don’t care about your appearance. I have gone to work many a time looking like my clothes were selected at random, in the dark, during some kind of game show where I was against the clock. As long as I was dressed, I didn’t care. The same thing went for my hair. Most days I would brush it and pop it into a ponytail without any thought. I’d go for a week without washing it as the thought alone of going in the shower was too tiring, let alone bothering to actually go in.

I’m 38 now. This November, I’ll be 39. NEXT November, I’ll be 40. I have no sense of who I am fashion wise, as I have spent most of my life with depression and it was all I could do to survive whatever crisis I was dealing with, let alone think, “ooh this skirt is cute, what shoes should I wear?” Nope, whichever shoes were nearest were it, for me.

Even now, as I write this blog post, I like the idea of discovering my “inner Jenny” and what “inner Jenny likes”. Though the idea is starting to float away from me now, like early morning fog, and it will probably be consigned to the “good ideas for when I have the capacity” drawer, like pretty much every idea I have.

I do want to try though. You may find I blog/Instagram some “OOTD” or “Outfit Of The Day” posts in the future. I hope I do. This means that it was an exceptional day, where, first thing in the morning (weirdly, the time when I’m at my best), I managed to put an outfit together constructively.

I just watched Victoria Beckham on James Corden’s The Late Late Show, wearing exceptionally high high heels. I won’t be wearing high heels, and knowing that at least is helpful; not only do I need to discover what I do want to wear, I also need to discover what I don’t want to wear.

I do need to dye my hair, but I am petrified of becoming one of those women who has an allergic reaction to the dye and whose face blows up like a pufferfish. I do like the dye from Manic Panic though as it’s Para-phenylenediamine (PPD) free, ammonia free and peroxide free, and I think it’s the PPD that worries me the most about dyeing my hair. Watch this space on that, I guess!

Sorry that there have been a few mentions to my depression recently, I know people a lot of the time don’t want to hear someone’s got depression, as “we all have problems”. Yes, I know we all have problems, but expecting people to repress their depression to make you feel better and less awkward is unreasonable.

I’m hoping that by writing all of this down that I’ll somehow inspire myself to actually muster up the brain energy to do this. I hope so!

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11 thoughts on “I need an overhaul!

  1. No need to apologise for writing about how you feel. If you are depressed, one of the best ways to help to deal with it is to talk about it, or get it out of your system on blog posts. If we are good blogging friends, we will take that, along with the happier and more positive days. I haven’t suffered from diagnosed depression, but I did spend most of my life feeling that nothing ever went my way, and seeing the downside. This year, I turned 65, and decided that I had to finally start to see positives in everything, or fall into the category of ‘waiting to die’.
    It’s only March, but so far that determination is working well, and I am even seeing the positives of losing two close friends and a relative in just two months. I focused on their lives, and the good times, rather than the illness, and eventual death.

    As for outfits, I thought your ‘sitting on the elephant’ outfit looked very nice, but I haven’t seen that many to make comments on. I am sure that you will develop a style that suits you in time.
    And as you are still a long way off of 39, you shouldn’t be worrying about reaching 40 already!

    Best wishes as always, Pete. x

    1. Thanks Pete. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been having a difficult time with bereavement this year. I’m thinking of you. Taking a positive mindset is a great idea, though I know it’s easier said than done sometimes.
      I promise you I will take a new elephant photo soon! I’ve lost quite a bit of weight since then so it will make a great before and after post!
      Thanks for your lovely words x

      1. I am happy for you if you have enjoyed losing the weight. It is never an issue with me though. I thought you looked very nice in that original photo! x

  2. No need to apologise for mentioning your depression – your blog is yours and if that’s what you want to write about then you should. I think its healthy for people to see that it may not only be them that is struggling and along the way you may help someone feel less alone.

    I look forward to ‘outfit of the day’ posts. If it helps I’m 37, married with two children and I’m not really sure I know what I’m all about – maybe I never will either. I range from makeup, hair done, jewellery on carefree mum on the school run to jeans, big comfy jumper, wet hair scraped in a ponytail, fed up/messy mum on the school runs. By 5pm always a tracksuit (or pjs pretending to be a tracksuit :D) Hannah x

    1. Thank you for your lovely words Hannah, I see what you mean about helping others by reading my posts.
      It sounds like I am in lovely company if you’re really sure what you’re all about either ๐Ÿ™‚ You made me laugh with your ‘pjs pretending to be a tracksuit’ comment, I’m the same!
      I’m hoping to do some outfit of the day posts soon. I take my friend’s OOTD posts every lunchtime at work for her Instagram so it’s already part of my daily routine ๐Ÿ™‚ x

  3. There is absolutely no reason to apologise. I think figure out who you are is a lifelong journey, which is ever changing.I do think expressing yourself through what you wear can be a great part of that journey. Since I had Little O I feel completely changed but in other ways still the self I was before and it can be hard to reconcile. Wearing my pre-baby clothes is a good way of reconnecting with my pre-baby self.

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