Betsy vs Marjorie

Yes, this is yet another post where I claim I’m going to lose weight, be happy, etc, rinse and repeat.

The thing is, my depression has been so debilitating recently that even brushing my hair was too much, going in the shower sounded like an ordeal and just getting through the day was way too much to ask of me, quite frankly.

It is now less than 18 months until I hit 40, and I’m not getting any younger, literally. The thought of getting older paralyses me with anxiety and not a day goes by where I don’t suddenly remember that a) I’m going to die one day, b) I don’t know how and c) I don’t know when. These three facts then cause me to have a panic and I find it hard to focus on what I’m doing at the time.

Now, for someone so angsty about dying, you think I’d be some world expert in being healthy and staying alive as long as possible. You’d be wrong. One of the ‘lovely’ things about having depression is the total apathy you actually get about real things like “I should do more exercise so I’ll stay healthy, but… I can’t be bothered moving from my desk chair for five hours straight”. So I fluctuate between panicking that I’m not healthy enough and should do something to prolong my life, and then across to “meh, who cares?” It’s like having two warring personalities, each fighting for dominance.

Right now, the personality who wants to live as long as possible (we’ll call her Betsy – literally the first name that came to mind that I don’t know) is in control. I was eating pizza earlier and I thought to myself, “I don’t want to be fat anymore.” And that was that; the decision had been made. The depressed personality, lets call her Marjorie, is totally dormant right now.

I really hope I get to stay “Betsy” for as long as possible; she’s the fun part of me, the one who wants to live and enjoy things. Let’s see how long she lasts.

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3 thoughts on “Betsy vs Marjorie

  1. Sorry to hear that you have been feeling low again, Jenny, but the emergence of Betsy sounds positive.
    When I hit 40, I decided to face it full-on, and not worry about it. Remember that I was in a job at the time (London Ambulance Service) where every day concerned injury, illness, and death, so it was easy to wonder what the point was, believe me. I never expected to live past my late 50s. I was smoking, drinking, working shifts, and stressed out every day, all day.

    But when I retired at 60, I thought that if I had made it this far, I could do something positive. I started walking with Ollie, replaced cigarettes with vaping, and cut down on the wine. It was no magic cure, I know, but it made life worth living for a change. As I was going to be 65 this year, I started out with the intention to stay positive for at least 12 months, for the first time in my life. It has been up and down, obviously, but overall, looking on the bright side of life’s issues has made me better balanced, and mentally aware in ways I never thought possible.

    I’m not being condescending, or saying you can do the same, just offering the experience of someone else who used to feel like you do. Remember that smile when you were sitting on the elephant? That’s how I will always think of you, that’s the Jenny I know is in there.

    Love and best wishes, Pete. x

    1. Hi Pete, thank you for the lovely message. I’m so glad you’re taking better care of yourself now. Those changes were such a great idea. I am feeling better now than I was when I posted in August, I even have a job again, albeit a temporary one. Thank you for being so supportive, one day I will take a new pic upon that elephant! x

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