Yes, this is yet another post where I claim I’m going to lose weight, be happy, etc, rinse and repeat.
The thing is, my depression has been so debilitating recently that even brushing my hair was too much, going in the shower sounded like an ordeal and just getting through the day was way too much to ask of me, quite frankly.
It is now less than 18 months until I hit 40, and I’m not getting any younger, literally. The thought of getting older paralyses me with anxiety and not a day goes by where I don’t suddenly remember that a) I’m going to die one day, b) I don’t know how and c) I don’t know when. These three facts then cause me to have a panic and I find it hard to focus on what I’m doing at the time.
Now, for someone so angsty about dying, you think I’d be some world expert in being healthy and staying alive as long as possible. You’d be wrong. One of the ‘lovely’ things about having depression is the total apathy you actually get about real things like “I should do more exercise so I’ll stay healthy, but… I can’t be bothered moving from my desk chair for five hours straight”. So I fluctuate between panicking that I’m not healthy enough and should do something to prolong my life, and then across to “meh, who cares?” It’s like having two warring personalities, each fighting for dominance.
Right now, the personality who wants to live as long as possible (we’ll call her Betsy – literally the first name that came to mind that I don’t know) is in control. I was eating pizza earlier and I thought to myself, “I don’t want to be fat anymore.” And that was that; the decision had been made. The depressed personality, lets call her Marjorie, is totally dormant right now.
I really hope I get to stay “Betsy” for as long as possible; she’s the fun part of me, the one who wants to live and enjoy things. Let’s see how long she lasts.
Over on Merryn Music, I interview unsigned UK and Ireland artists as there are so many talented people out there who deserved to be signed. I just hit a big milestone – 50 interviews! Merryn Music only started as a fun hobby, but now it’s grown so much! I’m excited to see who I get to interview for the next 50 interviews 🙂
I’ve been checking out up and coming films for May, and even though it is a quiet month for films I fancy watching, here are my favourites 🙂
UK release date: 12th May 2017
Synopsis: Somerset, October 2014. When Clover Catto (Ellie Kendrick) receives a call telling her that her younger brother Charlie (Joe Blakemore) is dead, she must return to her family farm and face the man she hasn’t spoken to in years: her father Aubrey (David Troughton). (via IMDb)
Stars: Ellie Kendrick, David Troughton, Jack Holden
UK release date: 12th May 2017
Synopsis: A story set in the north English seaside town of Blackpool and centered on two kindred spirits who form an unlikely friendship. (via IMDb)
Stars: Juno Temple, Timothy Spall, Matt Ryan
UK release date: 19th May 2017
Synopsis: Gloria is an out-of-work party girl forced to leave her life in NY and move back home. When reports surface that a giant creature is destroying Seoul, she gradually comes to the realization that she is somehow connected to this phenomenon. (via IMDb)
Stars: Anne Hathaway, Jason Sudeikis, Austin Stowell
I saw this quote online earlier and it really resonated with me. The past few years have been really hard for me, for lots of different reasons, and one thing people tend to say to me is that I always seem to find a positive out of negative situations. I guess I’ve always been like this.
When I worked in a shop when I was 19, a surly man I worked with hated my positive attitude and once snapped, “I bet you’d find something positive to say about a pile of shit!” I said, “You could put it on roses?” and he walked away. He didn’t challenge my positive attitude after that, he simply avoided talking to me if at all possible. I guess he was just happy being a negative person, and so he found it difficult to talk to me.
I think there are times when you can sink or swim; I think I’m one of life’s swimmers. I know that when life is hard, it’s so easy to just give in and let the despair wash over you like the tide on a beach. I wish I had some magic formula to give you in times of hardship, but I don’t. I guess you have to find whatever works for you 🙂
On 19th April, it was Poetry And The Creative Mind Day (I know, I’m late!). I had all intentions of posting on the day, but I was ill and didn’t get the chance. A tiny poem came to me as I was thinking about putting together a post a couple of weeks ago, so here it is!
Time marches on.
You can march on alongside it or you can get left behind.
It won’t wait.
Stop or move, it’s down to you.
Now, I have no idea if it’s technically a poem, but I wanted to share it nonetheless!
Now, there aren’t many people I would stay up for until 4:30am on a Saturday night, but that’s exactly what I did last Saturday night (15th April 2017). Why was this? It was because Harry Styles was the musical guest on Saturday Night Live, and because of the time difference (it started at 11:30pm in New York), it started at 4:30am in the UK.
We had heard rumours that Harry was going to appear in some skits with the host, Jimmy Fallon, and that as well as singing his first solo single, Sign Of The Times, that he would be singing a second song from him upcoming album Harry Styles. So, as you can imagine, we were all very excited!
Not only did Harry sing Sign Of The Times and Ever Since New York, he also took part in two sketches: one where he hilariously impersonated Mick Jagger in a time traveller’s edition of Family Feud (where Jimmy Fallon played both a 1977 and a 2017 version of John Travolta!), but he was also in a sketch set in the Civil War.
The feedback from non-One Direction fans has been simply amazing; so many people basically saying “I don’t like One Direction but that Harry guy can sing!” I’m so pleased for him that people are taking off their One Direction-tinted glasses and seeing what we’ve seen for the past seven years; that Harry is a talented guy with a lot more to show.
On Friday it will be three months until the release of Dunkirk, so hopefully people will go to watch it with a different idea of Harry than before. He shouldn’t be disregarded simply because he is “in a boyband”, he should be judged for the talented man he is. I know I go on about One Direction, but I feel like a proud mum a lot of the time and it’s always lovely to have positive things to say about them 🙂
I’ve included the videos of Harry on Saturday Night Live below, he was simply amazing.
I think I have finally realised that my style is “tomboy”! I am currently researching this, and I will update soon!
One of my side projects is Merryn Music where I interview unsigned UK and Ireland music artists every Monday for a feature I creatively called “Independent Music Monday”.
One of the other parts to Merryn Music is the Spotify account. Since Merryn Magazine launched in April 2016, I have been collating ‘new music’ playlists on the Spotify account. These are updated each week and I also have a playlist where I compile the 20 best songs of the week. These playlists feature UK and Ireland artists only.
There are now 300 songs (18 hours 30 minutes of music) on the February playlist:
There are over 300 songs on the March playlist:
I have added a new batch of songs to the Top 20 playlist, so if you fancy a listen, here’s the playlist! 🙂 (NB: I can’t get Naropa’s song off the playlist! I think it’s because it was removed from Spotify, my playlist starts with Brave Giant).
When I first starting blogging back in 2012, I never thought I’d get any followers. Who’d be interested in my ramblings? I now have followers, and I am so grateful for every one of you. To be honest though, for a long time, I found myself not being able to blog on here because I felt so guilty that I didn’t have the time to read the posts of everyone who follows me. So I figured, if I don’t blog, then I won’t have to upset the people who would have known I’d been online but hadn’t read their posts. It probably doesn’t make any sense, but I didn’t want to offend anyone.
Now that I run the Merryn family of websites (Books, Charity, Magazine and Music) as well as doing my day job, I have even less time than I did in 2012. I have sorted out my email account so that I can read the posts written by my friends, but I am honestly so sorry if I’ve posted recently and haven’t been over to read your blog. If I win the lottery and can leave my day job, I’ll have time to read everyone’s blog. Until then, I have to be selective with my time as trying to please everyone has been making me ill. I figured it was better to focus on my health, which means scaling back on how many people’s blog posts I can follow.
I just wanted to put this out there so people don’t think I am ignoring them by choice, I’m so sorry x