One of the truly “great” things about depression I’ve found is, you really don’t care about your appearance. I have gone to work many a time looking like my clothes were selected at random, in the dark, during some kind of game show where I was against the clock. As long as I was dressed, I didn’t care. The same thing went for my hair. Most days I would brush it and pop it into a ponytail without any thought. I’d go for a week without washing it as the thought alone of going in the shower was too tiring, let alone bothering to actually go in.
I’m 38 now. This November, I’ll be 39. NEXT November, I’ll be 40. I have no sense of who I am fashion wise, as I have spent most of my life with depression and it was all I could do to survive whatever crisis I was dealing with, let alone think, “ooh this skirt is cute, what shoes should I wear?” Nope, whichever shoes were nearest were it, for me.
Even now, as I write this blog post, I like the idea of discovering my “inner Jenny” and what “inner Jenny likes”. Though the idea is starting to float away from me now, like early morning fog, and it will probably be consigned to the “good ideas for when I have the capacity” drawer, like pretty much every idea I have.
I do want to try though. You may find I blog/Instagram some “OOTD” or “Outfit Of The Day” posts in the future. I hope I do. This means that it was an exceptional day, where, first thing in the morning (weirdly, the time when I’m at my best), I managed to put an outfit together constructively.
I just watched Victoria Beckham on James Corden’s The Late Late Show, wearing exceptionally high high heels. I won’t be wearing high heels, and knowing that at least is helpful; not only do I need to discover what I do want to wear, I also need to discover what I don’t want to wear.
I do need to dye my hair, but I am petrified of becoming one of those women who has an allergic reaction to the dye and whose face blows up like a pufferfish. I do like the dye from Manic Panic though as it’s Para-phenylenediamine (PPD) free, ammonia free and peroxide free, and I think it’s the PPD that worries me the most about dyeing my hair. Watch this space on that, I guess!
Sorry that there have been a few mentions to my depression recently, I know people a lot of the time don’t want to hear someone’s got depression, as “we all have problems”. Yes, I know we all have problems, but expecting people to repress their depression to make you feel better and less awkward is unreasonable.
I’m hoping that by writing all of this down that I’ll somehow inspire myself to actually muster up the brain energy to do this. I hope so!